The other night at dinner the Great Pretender mentioned how my recent blogs have been lacking the tales of students I started off with. Recently The Neighbour's Wife has been devoid of cutting remarks about the stupidity of select young people and their parentage. Did this mean that all my students this year had been perfect?
I must admit, I have been lucky this year. Most of my students, particularly my Year 12 bunch, have been absolutely wonderful, a truly beautiful group of young men who have reminded me why I do what I do. However, do not fear. Some of the young ladies I have had the pleasure of encountering this year, while not entirely atrocious, certainly do provide fodder for my devoted readers. And so, it currently being that most hideous of times - report writing time - I have decided to indulge myself and write the report I would really love to pen and send home to a parent... or two.
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"Blonde Bogan is a very well groomed young lady. She should be - she spends more time surveying her split ends then she does looking at her work. Her technological understanding is of a superior quality, as is demonstrated by her continual perusal of her own image in her Mac's PhotoBooth and her incessant checking of her Facebook account on the brand new iPhone you purchased for your princess. I am sure however that this gift was bestowed upon her after you were informed of her many achievements. Granted, these triumphs have absolutely nothing to do with this subject, as blowing members of the First XVIII at the back of the bus is not explicitly taught in this particular subject, but no doubt this talent will serve her well in future years.
Her writing talents stretch from the "Blonde Bogan loves cock" which she has artistically etched onto her own pencil case, to the "Mrs Math Teacher is a fucking cunt" lovingly carved into her desk. Her creative talents truly know no bounds. This is no doubt owed to the vast amounts of literature she possesses a detailed understanding of, including but not limited to, Jersey Shore, Gossip Girl and the classic Jackass trilogy.
Blonde Bogan is also an exceptional debater. Her most recent debate with a classmate on the topic of "'Oh my god, you are like, so hot!' 'No! You are!'" proved to be a bastion of philosophical thought; Socratic dialogue at its best. Her generalised comments about 'wogs' and 'asians' demonstrate a deep cultural awareness. In particular, her oral presentation on, 'Jesus was white, okay?' showcased her insightful understanding of historiography and the vagaries of religious belief.
What she lacks in subtlety, Blonde Bogan more than makes up for in eloquence. Her recent observation that "There is no such thing as a good looking fat chick" is only surpassed by her inquiry, "What's so bad about having an eating disorder? You get to be, like, super thin!" Her eye-rolling is expert and her inability to keep her legs together despite the brevity of her skirt is the stuff of porn stars.
It has been truly torturous having Blonde Bogan in my class this year and I wish her the very best of luck for a STI-free future."
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